There is only one thing Dick Cheney knows for sure — America will be attacked again. This ideology is what most sets Dick Cheney apart from his opponents. Besides his aggressive stance on killing foreigners, he will continue policies that support an expanded American empire abroad. At this moment there are approximately 1,254 Towelheads hiding in caves, plotting to kill innocent Americans. The only way to stop more atrocities against the American people is to reestablish many successful torture techniques that Dick Cheney oversaw while Vice President, some that include:

• Waterboarding
  
• Waterbording Premo (Like Waterboarding
  except with battery acid instead of water)
  
• Anal Rapeage with in-season fruits and vegetables
  
• Forced masturbation while looking at pictorials of
  own grandmother
  
• Elephant Walk
• Electrodes to the testicles
  
• Forced Cannibalism of one’s own child’s fetus
  
• Sleep Deprivation by watching continuous reruns
  of Two and a Half Men
  
• Forced sexual gratification of the ugliest, most butch,
  female American soldier present
• Put on an all corn diet. Defecated corn will then be
  fead to neighboring prisoner, clockwise from cell
• Beard shaved and hair super glued above penis
  
• Erasing all songs on iPod except for Craig David
• Strip skin off back (skin will be leathered and
  turned into jacket for Dick Cheney or staff member)
  
• Tickle torture by man dressed up as Elmo
• Chant 1,000 times that, "Israel is the Jewish Homeland"
• Collect taint sweat of fellow detainees and gargle for
  five minutes, spit, pass left
  
• Forced participation in Transvestite talent competition
  
• Smegma eating contest
• Sleep Deprivation by means of pea under mattress
  
• Working on the election campaign of Gov. Bobby Jindal
  
• Tarring and Feathering